"Broken into Beautiful" Thoughts

Recently, I joined a women's study group, and we have committed to reading "Broken into Beautiful" by Gwen Smith.  Over the weekend I have read only the first two chapters.  Of course I could have read further, however I sincerely believe that focusing on one chapter a day gives one plenty to ponder for the remainder of the day.
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Chapter One: 'Behind the Smile' Thoughts

In this chapter Gwen describes her own struggle with painting on the smile, regardless of what she is truly facing throughout her life.  Also, she lines out her early childhood in which she faithfully goes to church and tries to serve God as best she knows how, with which I can identify.

I remember the days of my youth, growing up in church and at the age of five committing myself to the Christian walk, believing in Jesus, and realizing that he was my true father figure and beyond.  He was my Savior, my Shield, and my Refuge.  Even my own mother does not realize the struggles that I faced growing up, whether that comes out of denial or shear unawareness.  No, never did I go hungry, cold, or unclothed, but I faced trials and temptations that left a little less than a smile on my face.  Reminiscing now at the age of 24, it makes me sick at my stomach to think of how adults could have treated me so carelessly.  What matters is that I made it out alive....right?  Wrong.  Beyond the forgiveness. bitterness. resentment. that I have worked through up to this point, it matters.  My life was touched in both good and bad ways, and I have strong personality attributes because of the good, and I have deeply weak personality attributes due to the bad.  Still, through any pain or sorrow I faced growing up, I knew my Heavenly Father was there. 

Chapter Two:'Worthless into Precious' Thoughts

This is where the book has pierced my heart, and I am unsure of what I am even thinking myself.  I know that simply the title reaches down into a deep part of myself that I do not even want to look at.  For my whole life I have not felt worthy to the world, no matter how I tried to define myself by my worth in my Heavenly Father's eyes...Perhaps I just let too much of the world shape me as well.  My question is how do I undo that damage?  How do I even begin to reshape myself back through the years of tormentuous uncertainty of who I am? 

I absolutely believe that God is more than capable of completing this good work inside of me, of changing my perception of myself, of mending this broken heart.  I want it.  I believe that I am in his hands even now, and although I can not see it, he is working and reshaping me.  It's just not happening in my timing.  It's in his time, in his care.  I know he views me as precious.  I just can't view myself as that, when on a daily basis I am not treated as such by those around me.  How does one contend against years of being looked down upon, being criticized, and being treated as dispensable.  My head is lifted high, while my heart sinks and I fight back anxiety attacks.  I pray that I can arrive at a place where I view myself as precious no matter how I may be treated. 

Unlocked Anxiety

While I am aware that Jesus taught that we should not be anxious about anything, I still find myself fighting back anxious emotions. After this week I now see how the anxiety is affecting my life in every aspect.

For almost five years now I have been praying that my husband would acknowledge God's calling on his life and that he would find a career that would lead him along God's path for his life. As the years passed, we prayed together and fasted many times, yet my husband never claimed that he could feel which direction God was calling him. He just continued to search in many different directions for job opportunities. Finally, about two or three months ago he began talking about joining the military. At first, I could tell it was just another prospective change in careers. One day he just quit mentioning the possibility, and I knew that prospective change had died out. Suddenly, a few months later when a friend of ours mentioned joining the air national guard, my husband began talking about joining the military again. Now, he has passed the physical exam and is currently waiting to hear about job openings for which he qualifies.

That is where my anxiety has crept in over the last few weeks...the waiting. See, we moved away from our hometown, where most of our family still resides, almost two years ago. Although we have good friends in this new area, there is no family. So, the plan is to sell the house and move our things back home while he finishes basic training. I feel that those eight weeks would be best spent closer to family, because who knows to where we might relocate when he graduates basic. I am excited about moving around with the military and being an air force wife, but I still want to enjoy any time I can have with my family before we begin this new chapter in our lives. Waiting for a "ship out date" for basic is really nagging at me, because I am such a planner. I want to know who, what, when, and where it's going to take for this transition to happen. And, it is so affecting my work life, church life, and my relationships with my friends here, which I don't like to see happenning.

I know that I need to continue to trust God and know that in His timing everything will work out as it should, which I plan to do. However, sometimes it is just easier said than lived.