"Broken into Beautiful" Thoughts

Recently, I joined a women's study group, and we have committed to reading "Broken into Beautiful" by Gwen Smith.  Over the weekend I have read only the first two chapters.  Of course I could have read further, however I sincerely believe that focusing on one chapter a day gives one plenty to ponder for the remainder of the day.
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Chapter One: 'Behind the Smile' Thoughts

In this chapter Gwen describes her own struggle with painting on the smile, regardless of what she is truly facing throughout her life.  Also, she lines out her early childhood in which she faithfully goes to church and tries to serve God as best she knows how, with which I can identify.

I remember the days of my youth, growing up in church and at the age of five committing myself to the Christian walk, believing in Jesus, and realizing that he was my true father figure and beyond.  He was my Savior, my Shield, and my Refuge.  Even my own mother does not realize the struggles that I faced growing up, whether that comes out of denial or shear unawareness.  No, never did I go hungry, cold, or unclothed, but I faced trials and temptations that left a little less than a smile on my face.  Reminiscing now at the age of 24, it makes me sick at my stomach to think of how adults could have treated me so carelessly.  What matters is that I made it out alive....right?  Wrong.  Beyond the forgiveness. bitterness. resentment. that I have worked through up to this point, it matters.  My life was touched in both good and bad ways, and I have strong personality attributes because of the good, and I have deeply weak personality attributes due to the bad.  Still, through any pain or sorrow I faced growing up, I knew my Heavenly Father was there. 

Chapter Two:'Worthless into Precious' Thoughts

This is where the book has pierced my heart, and I am unsure of what I am even thinking myself.  I know that simply the title reaches down into a deep part of myself that I do not even want to look at.  For my whole life I have not felt worthy to the world, no matter how I tried to define myself by my worth in my Heavenly Father's eyes...Perhaps I just let too much of the world shape me as well.  My question is how do I undo that damage?  How do I even begin to reshape myself back through the years of tormentuous uncertainty of who I am? 

I absolutely believe that God is more than capable of completing this good work inside of me, of changing my perception of myself, of mending this broken heart.  I want it.  I believe that I am in his hands even now, and although I can not see it, he is working and reshaping me.  It's just not happening in my timing.  It's in his time, in his care.  I know he views me as precious.  I just can't view myself as that, when on a daily basis I am not treated as such by those around me.  How does one contend against years of being looked down upon, being criticized, and being treated as dispensable.  My head is lifted high, while my heart sinks and I fight back anxiety attacks.  I pray that I can arrive at a place where I view myself as precious no matter how I may be treated. 

Chapter 3: 'Guilty to Forgiven' Thoughts

Believing and following Jesus for most of my life put me in the position of being unable to forgive myself for the backslidden chapters of my life, in which I made foolish decisions.  So, I completely identified with one of the testimonies Gwen Smith shared in this chapter.

I have heard many times that "Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven."  What does that really mean?  It means that we don't become those perfect little robots once we become followers of Christ.  We have to learn that God is gracious and not only forgives us for our sins but forgets them.  If we fail to follow Christ throughout our life journey, we are not going to be cast into the abyss.  We must simply confess that we failed, ask for forgiveness, trust that God forgave us, and let Him reach down and help us dust ourselves off and continue along the journey, hopefully to travel much closer to Him this time.  

Of course Satan wants us to beat ourselves up about the mistakes we made, paths we failed to take...the enemy of our souls would love to keep us distracted from the present and our eternal goal so that we can't see God's will or calling for the present season and we miss out yet again.  If we are too consumed with our regrets of the past, we will and do miss what God wants to do now through and in our lives.  This is exactly the conviction I felt while reading this chapter.

I have been too distracted, at a couple of points in my life in particular, by my past sins to allow God to move freely in my life at that present time.  I still struggle with redirecting my focus, sometimes on a daily basis.  The closer I stay with God, the easier it is to keep my focus on the now and the ultimate goal.  Having a relationship with the creator of the universe must be a consistent relationship, every day, every morning, every afternoon, every night, in every decision, in every thought, in every other relationship that I am a part of...